Saturday, December 25, 2010

Phil Something (U.K. version) Theme : Spontaneous Combustion

No man and few women could resist Liz’s’ coffee brown eyes, alabaster skin, and perfectly pouting lips.  She met them at pubs, groceries, and at the C of E.  A slight smile and a wink and they were ready for a bit of Rumpy Pumpy!

This one, Phil Something, was struggling mightily with his left sock when he noticed the large burn marks on the carpet.  As the their anticipation grew Phil noticed the smell of burning bacon.  When her skin brushed his it was very, very hot, which Phil attributed his expert snogging.

He rolled onto his back and with her astride (which is when he noticed the sprinklers).  Phil swore he could see flames smoldering behind those impossibly long lashes.   When he arched his back in ecstasy he noticed that his flesh was beginning to boil.  And as waves of pleasure overtook them, he burst into flames. 

She dismounted Phil like a gymnast then lit a fag with a fingertip.  As the sprinklers came on she headed for the loo.  How nice of Phil to help her test the Flame Resistant mattress that he’d just delivered.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sub-Orbital Urbane Conversation

The tiny wedge-shaped capsule hurtled toward the Pacific at Mach 3. The heat shield, now glowing a bright red, was held together with just spit and prayers.  The same could be said of our Intrepid Astronaut.  

In Houston, an ex-Nazi Scientist toggled his microphone, “Friendship 7:Houston, how ist our Space-e-Man feeling today?”  “Smart-ass,” thought the Space-e-Man.  Through clenched teeth the human meteor tried to wax poetic and failed.  Finally he mustered enough wind to croak, “I c…can b…barely hold my fudge!”

Mission control, having a case of the giggles, was slow in regaining its decorum.  Nobody noticed a tear in the eye of the Bavarian Rocket Guru, “Momma made de best fudge,” he whispered.